Infuse: The Band Book 1 Read online

  As I walk offstage, I hand my guitar off to Simon, my favorite roadie. Simon will take care of Jude like she’s his firstborn.

  Adam slaps me across the back, harder than necessary. “Dude, you’ve been holding out on us. That was freaking awesome. Just like old times, though next time, a heads up’ed be nice man.”

  “Gotta keep you sharp.”

  Drew crash-tackles me from behind and forces me into a headlock beneath his sweaty pit.

  “Love the new song bro, you got any more coming?”

  I punch him in the gut and he releases me with a grunt. “I’ve got some ideas. How many more shows have we got?”

  “Wes, how many shows left?”

  “Two, and you really should all know this. Were you sleeping through the last meeting?”

  Drew frowns slightly. “I tried to listen, but I had this new idea for the bridge in “After the Fall” so you can’t really blame me.”

  “At least you weren’t thinking about a chick. I suppose that’s gotta count for something,” Wes says running a hand through his damp hair.

  “I didn’t see your girl tonight, Finn,” Adam smirks, “She get bored of you already?”

  “She’s not my girl. At least now I won’t need to get a restraining order,” I try to joke, but my heart’s not in it.

  “You coming to the club pretty boy?”

  I know Adam is trying to get a rise out of me by using the nickname Trent made up. My almost black hair and dark blue eyes certainly helped us get a fan base in the beginning. Now it’s just one more thing that makes it hard to go unnoticed. Not that I can ever complain. People just laugh in my face and tell me I should’ve picked a different career. But music is all that ever interested me.

  “Nah, you go ahead. I’m gonna work on the new songs.”

  “You never come out anymore,” Drew whines.

  “More chicks for us.” Adam throws his arm around Drew’s shoulders as they head towards the exit.

  “You check on Soph?” I ask Wes once we’re alone.

  “Yeah, she’s fine. I’m glad we’ve only got two shows left though.”

  “And Pam?”

  “The test results aren’t back yet. Maybe tomorrow.”

  We head back to the hotel together. Once I’m back in my room, I pull out the tatty notebook I like to write in and go over what I wrote last night. I have the beginnings of at least three songs, all because of her. It’s bugging me that she didn’t come to the show tonight. So much so that after two hours I still haven’t been able to finish the songs. It’s as if the door she somehow opened in such a short time has slammed back in my face.

  Chapter 3

  Autumn

  I hate hospitals. Although, that doesn’t really even begin to cover it. Hospitals are where people go to have their hopes and dreams sucked out of the marrow of their bones. It took me less than a second to realize where I was when I woke up. That smell of disinfectant and death. Nowhere else has that smell that permeates everything.

  The last thing I remember was meeting Finn. Those deep blue eyes, I could drown in those eyes and be content. Of course what do I do when I meet the man that has unknowingly gotten me through my darkest moments? I freeze like a wombat in the headlights. Wombats are like me, they eat and sleep and hide in their burrows. Safe where no one can hurt them. Okay, so I might be a little obsessed with the Australian marsupial. One day, when I escape the clutches of the hospital and somehow get enough money, I’m going to travel to Australia and meet an actual wombat.

  A nurse comes in shattering my dreams. She glances at my chart. “Do you remember what happened love?”

  Eww, not one of those nurses. If I haven’t met you before, I don’t want to be called love or dear or pet. Autumn will do just fine. Of course I don’t actually say any of those things. It won’t get her to leave me alone, and I've been in this situation enough times to know.

  “Yes, I fainted. Happens all the time. And no I don’t have a tumor or low blood pressure, or headaches, vomiting or nausea.”

  “So this has happened before.”

  I sigh. “Yes, many times. Can I go now?”

  “Well, I think the doctor might want to run some tests…”

  “Believe me, I’ve had plenty of tests. They never find anything, and I can’t afford to have you re-run them just so you feel better.” I know there are things they haven’t tried, but I can’t afford them so it doesn’t matter.

  The smile leaves her face. “Right then, I’ll just let the doctor know.”

  “Uh thanks. Do you think he’ll be long?”

  “This is a busy hospital and you’re a low priority case, so you’ll just have to wait and see.”

  Darn, I should have been nicer. Now I’ll be stuck here for hours. I just can’t handle going over the same things every time. This is why I don’t usually leave Longveiw. I like to think I live in Oregon because that’s where Infusion Deep calls home. Of course I’m really just across the state line, but I’m close enough. Not that I go to Portland much, it’s just nice knowing they live so close. Since my fainting spells started three years ago, I hardly even leave my house anymore. This trip was supposed to help me get past my anxiety. My doctor thought it would be good for me, and it was. I followed the band for most of this final leg of the tour and I was fine. At last I had started to hope I was cured.

  When I finally met Finn, I thought it would be the start of my new life. One where I could become a functioning member of society again. Guess it was too good to be true. At least, I could always remember our time together. That would get me through a lot. If only I’d thought to take a selfie, like those other girls. It hadn’t felt right just to push myself up to him though. And he looked really uncomfortable the whole time. How those girls hadn’t picked up on that fact, I have no idea.

  What I really need is to get out of here. If I leave now, I could probably still make the last two shows. Tonight’s was in Seattle, and then they have their final show at home in Portland. Perfect.

  Four hours later, I’m still waiting and my chances of making the Seattle show are slipping through my fingers. Finally the doctor comes in. He’s young and looks like he’s been awake for a couple of days at least.

  “So Autumn, I hear you want to leave us?”

  “Yes.”

  “Are you sure you don’t want to stay overnight for observation?”

  “No. I’ve been through all this before. I have no official diagnosis. Unexplained fainting with anxiety. I’ll go and see my doctor when I go home I promise. Can I go now?”

  “Well…”

  Sensing weakness I strike. “Look, I really can’t afford another night here. I’ll be fine, really. This is the first episode I’ve had in months. I promise I’ll drive straight home and stop if I feel unwell.”

  “Are you sure you should be driving?”

  “Yes, I can always tell when an episode is coming. It’s perfectly safe.” Hopefully he can’t tell I’m lying. Well, half-lying. Usually I can feel it coming on, but this time was different. I don’t even remember where I was when it happened. Not that I’m going to tell him that.

  “Alright then, if you’re sure–”

  “Thanks Doc, you rock.”

  “Ah, thank you.” The Doctor gives me a slightly bemused look, but signs my release form.

  After he leaves, I quickly struggle back into my clothes. I’m relieved to find my car keys and my purse in the tray with my clothes. Now I just have to figure out where my car is. It could still be at the venue, or maybe in the parking lot of my crummy motel? I run through a list of less likely possibilities as I head out the automatic doors.

  A brisk breeze immediately causes goosebumps to cover my exposed arms and legs. My therapist would have a fit if she could see what I’m wearing. My tight dress barely covers my backside. She calls it my way of coping with my abusive step-father. I call it feeling good about myself. Although I don’t feel good now. My stomach rumbles as I look around the half empty c
ar park for a bus stop.

  Someone has parked diagonally across two car spaces. Wait, that car looks…could it be? My feet move of their own accord. The old white Ford Festiva is definitely mine. Did I somehow drive myself here? Realizing I have no way of getting an answer, I slide gratefully into the front seat. I pull the lycra skirt down over my thighs and turn the key. The car rumbles to life and I slowly ease out onto the road. Time to head for home.

  Six hours later, I drive into the carport of my tiny clapboard house. Grabbing my bag from the car, I gratefully unlock the door and enter my oasis. Everything is immaculate as it should be. Too tired to unpack, I yank my dress over my head and burrow under the covers.

  My alarm goes off at 7am. Time to get back to reality. The last few weeks following Infusion Deep on tour seem like a dream that’s already fading. Of course there is still the final show tonight. Should I go? Last night I relived meeting Finn, although in my dream I knew just the right things to say, and we got along so well he kissed me goodbye. Maybe in time, I’ll convince myself that’s really how it played out. That would make me even more of a loser though. At twenty-one, I should be dreaming of the future possibilities. Not locking myself inside my house and dreaming of falling for a rock star I can never have.

  Stepping into my tiny bathroom I strip off my underwear and stand under the scalding water. After twenty minutes of vigorous scrubbing, I finally convince myself that the hospital smell is gone. Of course, I’ll have to wash all my bedding now as well. Drying myself off, I slip into my usual attire of baggy sweats. My wardrobe only consists of loose comfortable sweats or tight slinky dresses. Both are a way of hiding myself. Something two years of therapy has taught me. Apparently buying myself a pair of jeans would be vital in the healing process.

  After a quick breakfast of toast and black coffee, I sit down at my computer. Time to get to work. Transcribing medical letters and reports means I can work from home. Perfect for the anxiety ridden, fainting-prone disaster I’ve become.

  Three hours later I’m ready for a break. At 125 wpm, I have no shortage of work. It also means I don’t have any time to think. It’s not until I’m eating alone at my kitchen table that I think about tonight’s concert again. There’s no way I can top the last show where I was lucky enough to win a backstage pass. But how can I not go? Any chance to hear Finn sing, I can’t stay away.

  Infusion Deep’s first album came out at a dark time in my life. When I thought I was alone, their songs told me I wasn’t. Someone else felt my pain – was going through the same darkness. I’ve read all their interviews, but Finn has never really said what those songs are about. Sure he’s said it was a bleak time in his life, and I know his father was an alcoholic. But I know there’s more to the story than he’s let on. I feel it every time I listen to the songs. He understands, I know he does.

  At 5 o’clock I’m standing in front of my wardrobe. For the first time in forever, nothing appeals to me. I don’t want to wear a barely-there dress, but I can hardly wear sweats to a concert. The best I can do is a black mini dress with my thigh high black boots and I throw a black Infusion Deep t-shirt over the top. Still not really satisfied, but it’s the best I can do. Maybe I’ll actually go shopping for those jeans…

  Chapter 4

  Finn

  It’s the last show tonight and I’ve almost given up on seeing her again. I’m convinced now she’s my muse. That’s the only reason I can come up with for my brief flurry of creative inspiration. Wes called it ‘genius’ but I wouldn’t go that far. I’ve got three new songs I need to finish and I still need more. Trent is pleased, but that won’t last when he realizes I have no new ideas. So far I’ve managed to convince him I’m still working on the new stuff, but I haven’t written anything in the last two days.

  Whatever she did to me, I need her to do it again. If she’s not at tonight’s show I’m screwed. I run my hands through my thick dark hair in lieu of a brush. Black jeans and a t-shirt and I’m ready. Grabbing Jude off the bed I leave the room. I pray that she’s there. I head to the elevator, Wes joins me just as the doors are closing.

  “Hey.”

  “Wes.” I extend my fist and Wes returns the gesture, making brief contact. “How’s Soph?”

  “Excited I’m gonna be home. I’m picking her up in the morning. We’re going to the zoo. You wanna join?”

  “Not this time. How about I swing by with some takeout tomorrow night?”

  “You’re not going to stay home and mope all day, are you?”

  “I’ll be fine. I just need some space. I want to see Soph, I just need a day first.”

  “Yeah, alright. I get it Finn, you know I do. I just don’t want to see you cut yourself off again.”

  “I won’t. Tell Soph to expect a surprise.”

  “No animals, okay?”

  “Promise,” I reply doing a three finger salute.

  Wes laughs. “I know you were never a Boy Scout.”

  “You remember I almost convinced you to sign up that time?”

  “Yeah I remember.” Wes smiles, but it quickly turns into a frown.

  Probably shouldn’t have brought it up. The reason we didn’t go – apart from having no money, was that we came home from school to find a three-year-old Sophie home alone.

  The elevator opens in the basement, and we head for one of the black SUVs waiting nearby. Adam and Drew are already inside the car. I put my guitar in the back and climb in beside Wes.

  “Last show tonight guys.” Wes looks more relieved than excited, but I can understand his concern.

  “Yeah, my sister’s coming tonight,” Drew says.

  Adam grins. “Send all the hotties my way then, looks like I’ll be the only one getting any tonight.”

  “Not a chance, she won’t stay that long.”

  I shake my head. “Aren’t you guys ever going to grow up?”

  Adam grins. “Not if I can help it. You know you used to be fun. Maybe I’ll join another band over the summer. I heard Downright Dirty were looking for someone. And they still know how to have fun.”

  “Don’t let me stop you.”

  “Wasn’t planning on it.” Adam throws his head back and laughs.

  “Guys,” Wes jumps in, ever the peacemaker. “We all just need some space. After Finn finishes writing, we’ll all get back to record the new album. It’ll be just like old times.”

  Drew shrugs. “I agree with Adam. You and Finn used to be fun. Now it’s just like you want to make it into a regular job. No thanks. I didn’t join a band to have someone tell me what to do. If this is how it’s gonna be, count me out. Adam’s not the only one who’s had other offers you know.”

  So this is it, this is how it ends. Not that I really care. Adam and Drew have been beyond irritating this whole tour. “Suits me. Infusion Deep will go on with or without you both.”

  Adam leans forward. “That right Pretty Boy? Who’s going to write the songs for the new album?”

  “I just wrote three new songs,” I retort, irritated.

  “But that well’s run dry again, hasn’t it?”

  Before I can open my mouth Wes jumps in. “Enough! Let’s just get through this show. After a few days off, I’m sure everything will be fine. In a few months we can record the new album.”

  Adam shrugs. “Whatever.”

  Ignoring all of them, I stare out of the window at the passing traffic. There’s enough going on in my own life. I don’t have time to worry about whether Adam and Drew are going to leave the band. At this point, I don’t really care. Things have been strained for a while. Maybe some new blood is just what we need. Now that we’re successful, there definitely wouldn’t be a shortage of people wanting to sign up.

  The stage lights have gone dim. I jump on the spot to psych myself up. I’m eager to get this last show done. As I walk out on stage, the familiar roar of the crowd energizes me. This is my favorite moment, the first note when everything becomes real.

  Ignoring the set list, I play the
first notes of Downwrite. It feels right somehow. Even if she’s not here again tonight, it’s still the song I want to play. The band comes in seamlessly behind me. If they’re pissed about me changing the list, you’d never know. Onstage the music is everything. It’s the reason I’m still here. That, despite everything that’s happened, is why I can never let go.

  As I slide into the chorus, I finally look at the sea of faces in front of the stage. I take a moment to look at every blonde to see if it’s her. Finally, when I’ve almost given up, I see her – Autumn. She’s further from the stage than usual, her ash blonde hair falls in a cascade around her face as she moves to the music.

  Then she looks at me and our eyes meet. The connection slams into my chest and my lips widen into a smile I don’t usually have while I’m performing. Who am I kidding? I’m grinning like an idiot, and I never grin. Sure, I do the half-smile, that drives the fans wild. But now my smile is huge, and I can’t do a thing about it. She’s here. She came. My muse is back.

  Autumn

  My delusions have taken on a life of their own tonight. I feel like Finn is singing just for me. Our eyes meet and my heart beats faster. And then he smiles, like I’ve never seen him smile before. My heart melts.

  The next few songs pass in a daze. As I take in the people closest to me, reality comes crashing back in. Maybe he has a new girlfriend and she’s here tonight? It must be someone close for it to feel like he was looking at me. A few obvious couples dance together nearby, and I rule them out. Then I see her, she’s gorgeous. Long brown hair and ruby red lips. She’s not only beautiful, she’s Drew’s sister. That must be who Finn is smiling at, maybe they’re together now? It’s hard to control the hot rush of jealousy that flares. I want to go over to her and demand that she leave Finn alone. Tell her that they’re not right for each other. It’s such a cliché: the rock star and the model. Somehow it’s not who I thought Finn would go for. In a way I’m disappointed, he deserves someone better, less superficial. Not that all models are superficial of course, but from everything I’ve read about Scarlett, she is as one-dimensional as they come.